i get it.

i finally begin to understand this symbol as more than a pithy icon for a new-age meme, and rather as a deep and meaningful mandala for an idea i've somehow always known existed and yet never experienced in a fundamental way.

black and white - man and woman - ish v' isha - touching in all places and in all ways along the inner, intimate edge, yet independent and expansive along the free edges; a part of him embedded in me, a part of me embedded in him.

i get it.

and he is so very deeply embedded in me, and it feels so right, so comfortable and so delicious i never want it to change.

we were talking this morning about why our relationship seems to conform to God's intent so beautifully, where many that we see around us do not; and the more i think about the conversation the more sense it makes: we seem to have the recipe right. we share a deep committment to making it work, a ruthless desire to place the needs of the other above our own, and a deep, rich, shared sense of humour. throw an awful lot of love, a tremendous amount of desire, and a delight in uplifting one another and you really do have a no-fail recipe.

i love it when he takes the piss out of me, because he is clever and witty; and while his aim is excellent, his touch is a gentle, affectionate tickle; never a stabbing ache, although the strength, power and incisiveness behind it reminds me of what it could be like were his main motivations not love and humour. its what gives him that air of darkeness and depth that i adore, though - and quite honestly that attracts me so powerfully - and that makes me appreciate each and every time the stinger stays retracted. when a man is loving and giving enough to keep himself in check for the sake of your relationship...well, that is something i never want to take for granted.

and i love seeing that goodness in him. granted, its not hard to do, but i have no interest in mining for anything else. i love not only seeing that kindness and compassion in him, but letting him know how much i appreciate that generosity in him also reminds me of how proud i am of him, how much i admire and respect him, and how touched and humbled i am by his love. and i hope he "gets" that as well - there will be times when his ministry to others, and to his family and to other people, period, may take precendence over some plans that we've made: i hope he gets that i support him completely in that as well: no, not just "support", encourage him in as well.

and even when we discuss possibilities and outcomes that represent the .99999 percent unlikely outcome of our meeting, its almost as though we were discussing the possibility of inclement weather in the face of a good weather report: the likelihood is very small, though we might still wish to take an umbrella with us, and if it does rain then we'll do something else. that is hugely comforting and reassuring that on a very deep, almost subconscious level we are completely committed to making this work.

and i do love him so much. i do want to just curl up in his arms and talk, kiss, do nothing. i just want to feel his presence at my back; i want to drift off watching him sleep, and wake up early because i cannot wait to see his face, to wrap my arms around him, to whisper to him how much i love him and have missed him.

he's an amazing, wonderful man - and this is an amazing, wonderful relationship - and what floors me more than anything is that for the last six or seven months it has gotten better each and every day.

and there is no sign of that stopping.

thank you God. thank you so very, very much.