festering rot from hell
No apology necessary. I too have removed my myspace profile and blog. To cut a very long story short, I will be getting married in the new year, no it's not a sudden thing, has been coming together for quite some time now. I have also felt the need to simplify my life to be able to focus clearly on the important things, and that is what is happening. Much happiness to you and Bruce for the future, and God bless Annie ... See you in the Kingdom
Andy
this has been gnawing at me, and i find myself surprisingly angry. not for myself, mind you, but for the poor woman that is getting involved with this man, because "there but for the grace of God go i". although, with aj's history, its just as likely that she doesn't really exist.
it was bad enough when i was the one being hurt, but now some other poor woman that really doesn't know what she is getting into ("quite some time now" my sweet, white ass: he had told me only three weeks before sending me this note that he had completely given up hope of ever finding love, and two months before that, that his only complaint about my pimping him out on "myspace" was that he didn't like the picture) is marrying a man that couldn't even be arsed to mention her existence in a wedding announcement.
what bothers me more than anything is that this is exactly the kind of man i knew him to be - a man that only cared that his own needs and desires were being met - and now some other woman will have to find out to her great detriment, and likely once its too late. i know how awful it feels, and it kills me that some other woman will have to know it as well.
from the day i realized what was really going on with bruce, my life became all about him: i wanted to shout from the rooftops about the great and undeserved blessing God had given me in him; i spend inordinate amounts of time telling anyone that is actually conscious how proud i am of him, how much i love him, how he amazes me each and every day; i am so floored that after a lifetime of searching i have finally found a man that is more than i had ever hoped for. i am so humbled and grateful that finally, a relationship is truly about an "us".
yet for aj, its still all about "him". "I will be getting married in the new year" not "we". I will be...
there is no joy here, no happiness, no sense of being blessed with the love he claimed he been searching for. i would have expected a man that whined about being lonely and always being " a loser in love" would send out a note saying something along the lines of "wow, after spending my life looking for her, i have finally found the woman of my dreams and she is amazing, wonderful and i am the luckiest man in the world that she's agreed to marry me!" or "isn't it funny how after the terrible year we've had i should suddenly be blessed with the love of a woman that is understanding, loving and a beautiful soul; and what is even better is that we are getting married."
but that's not aj. for aj, its all about him. in a wedding announcement she isn't even part of a "we", she doesn't even merit inclusion in a pronoun; that's how he feels about her. and that's how he felt about me.
and i was ready to settle for him. that hurts. seeing that kind of stupidity within yourself hurts.
even as the healing, loving care that bruce gives me seals over the cracks aj left in me, i find that there are still one or two that will take a long time to fill in: i am still so angry - and at myself for taking the pain as long as i did - and i am struggling to stop picking at the scabs.
but i am human, and fallible, and i don't often get it right.
i am so angry that aj could tell me, without a hint of irony, that he "forgot" we spent four months planning marriage, immigration and a future. i am so angry at myself for swallowing that.
i am so angry that he would think that he could dump me over and over again, then come crawling back weeks later and tear a strip off of ME when he found out how easily he had been replaced.
i am so angry at myself that i would actually stay with a man that made sure i knew that his needs were all that mattered to him; that we would never be together until he was damned good and ready, and that if i wanted to marry him i would have to give up the church, the priesthood, my education and my friends.
i feel so stupid and humiliated that i allowed myself to be demeaned like that, that i thought so little of myself that i actually stayed with a man like that. bruce treats me like gold, like a princess - with love and respect, kindness and gentleness; and every act of love that man shares with me, every moment of peace he brings into my life makes me more and more ashamed that i had ever considered settling for aj.
yet some poor woman is.
there is an argument that runs along the lines of "each of us has to make their own mistakes, and whoever she is needs to follow her own path". sadly, we ministry types aren't built like that. we can't watch people do stupid things without needing, deep within the core of our beings, to at least try to prevent or mitigate disaster. i also remember margot saving a lovely lady named deborah from a disastrous relationship with bryan, margot's ex (a man much like aj in many ways); and the close bond of friendship that formed between the two as they watched bryan screw over one woman after the other, and deborah learned how close she, too, had come to tragedy.
i always like to think the best of people, odd though it seems in light of the deeply angry and resentful tone of this entry; and i think that some lovely, kind, happy, delightful woman is about to get screwed (and even that won't be worth it). but then i think maybe she is as dysfunctional and damaged as he is, and that he is absolutely the partner for her. i don't know. all i do know is that some woman is marrying a man that is spiteful and petty, self absorbed, narcissistic, arrogant, and who has a very creative understanding of "truth": oh hell, i can finally call a spade a spade. he's a bald-faced liar.
he's a man whose relationship with his own children is so impacted that one has fled to another country (which, of course, he conveniently blames on his ex) and the other has no interest in extending him the courtesy of allowing him unfettered access to his only grandchild; a man who got rid of his wife only to have her snapped up from under his nose by another man; a man who makes a hobby of ditching girlfriends repeatedly and telling them that no-one would ever love them and to seek psychiatric advice; a man that can be intimate with a woman and then roll over and forget she exists until morning.
wow. i had no idea i was this angry.
no, that's not true. i suppose i did. but i have been keeping it inside. i haven't written about is as i was worried that i might be accused of "trashing my ex" (someone once mentioned that some of my postings on myspace were "thinly veiled" my old boyfriend is crap and my new boyfriend is so terrific messages. thinly veiled? i am sorry i wasn't more explicit: my old boyfriend is crap and my new boyfriend is terrific ). i was worried that i might be told to "let it go", "its over" and "you have bruce now, why are you even thinking about this"? - but i expect i am finally cutting myself some slack and admitting that no matter how much i love bruce (and i am astounded at how much i do) grief and anger have their own timetable; and i sure as hell wouldn't dump this trash on bruce - that man is my hero and my soul; he really doesn't need to feel that i am still pissed at how stupid i can be.
and now some other woman, possibly real, possibly not, is about to make a very, very big mistake.
sometimes you have to look out for your sisters, even when you've never met them.
Andy
this has been gnawing at me, and i find myself surprisingly angry. not for myself, mind you, but for the poor woman that is getting involved with this man, because "there but for the grace of God go i". although, with aj's history, its just as likely that she doesn't really exist.
it was bad enough when i was the one being hurt, but now some other poor woman that really doesn't know what she is getting into ("quite some time now" my sweet, white ass: he had told me only three weeks before sending me this note that he had completely given up hope of ever finding love, and two months before that, that his only complaint about my pimping him out on "myspace" was that he didn't like the picture) is marrying a man that couldn't even be arsed to mention her existence in a wedding announcement.
what bothers me more than anything is that this is exactly the kind of man i knew him to be - a man that only cared that his own needs and desires were being met - and now some other woman will have to find out to her great detriment, and likely once its too late. i know how awful it feels, and it kills me that some other woman will have to know it as well.
from the day i realized what was really going on with bruce, my life became all about him: i wanted to shout from the rooftops about the great and undeserved blessing God had given me in him; i spend inordinate amounts of time telling anyone that is actually conscious how proud i am of him, how much i love him, how he amazes me each and every day; i am so floored that after a lifetime of searching i have finally found a man that is more than i had ever hoped for. i am so humbled and grateful that finally, a relationship is truly about an "us".
yet for aj, its still all about "him". "I will be getting married in the new year" not "we". I will be...
there is no joy here, no happiness, no sense of being blessed with the love he claimed he been searching for. i would have expected a man that whined about being lonely and always being " a loser in love" would send out a note saying something along the lines of "wow, after spending my life looking for her, i have finally found the woman of my dreams and she is amazing, wonderful and i am the luckiest man in the world that she's agreed to marry me!" or "isn't it funny how after the terrible year we've had i should suddenly be blessed with the love of a woman that is understanding, loving and a beautiful soul; and what is even better is that we are getting married."
but that's not aj. for aj, its all about him. in a wedding announcement she isn't even part of a "we", she doesn't even merit inclusion in a pronoun; that's how he feels about her. and that's how he felt about me.
and i was ready to settle for him. that hurts. seeing that kind of stupidity within yourself hurts.
even as the healing, loving care that bruce gives me seals over the cracks aj left in me, i find that there are still one or two that will take a long time to fill in: i am still so angry - and at myself for taking the pain as long as i did - and i am struggling to stop picking at the scabs.
but i am human, and fallible, and i don't often get it right.
i am so angry that aj could tell me, without a hint of irony, that he "forgot" we spent four months planning marriage, immigration and a future. i am so angry at myself for swallowing that.
i am so angry that he would think that he could dump me over and over again, then come crawling back weeks later and tear a strip off of ME when he found out how easily he had been replaced.
i am so angry at myself that i would actually stay with a man that made sure i knew that his needs were all that mattered to him; that we would never be together until he was damned good and ready, and that if i wanted to marry him i would have to give up the church, the priesthood, my education and my friends.
i feel so stupid and humiliated that i allowed myself to be demeaned like that, that i thought so little of myself that i actually stayed with a man like that. bruce treats me like gold, like a princess - with love and respect, kindness and gentleness; and every act of love that man shares with me, every moment of peace he brings into my life makes me more and more ashamed that i had ever considered settling for aj.
yet some poor woman is.
there is an argument that runs along the lines of "each of us has to make their own mistakes, and whoever she is needs to follow her own path". sadly, we ministry types aren't built like that. we can't watch people do stupid things without needing, deep within the core of our beings, to at least try to prevent or mitigate disaster. i also remember margot saving a lovely lady named deborah from a disastrous relationship with bryan, margot's ex (a man much like aj in many ways); and the close bond of friendship that formed between the two as they watched bryan screw over one woman after the other, and deborah learned how close she, too, had come to tragedy.
i always like to think the best of people, odd though it seems in light of the deeply angry and resentful tone of this entry; and i think that some lovely, kind, happy, delightful woman is about to get screwed (and even that won't be worth it). but then i think maybe she is as dysfunctional and damaged as he is, and that he is absolutely the partner for her. i don't know. all i do know is that some woman is marrying a man that is spiteful and petty, self absorbed, narcissistic, arrogant, and who has a very creative understanding of "truth": oh hell, i can finally call a spade a spade. he's a bald-faced liar.
he's a man whose relationship with his own children is so impacted that one has fled to another country (which, of course, he conveniently blames on his ex) and the other has no interest in extending him the courtesy of allowing him unfettered access to his only grandchild; a man who got rid of his wife only to have her snapped up from under his nose by another man; a man who makes a hobby of ditching girlfriends repeatedly and telling them that no-one would ever love them and to seek psychiatric advice; a man that can be intimate with a woman and then roll over and forget she exists until morning.
wow. i had no idea i was this angry.
no, that's not true. i suppose i did. but i have been keeping it inside. i haven't written about is as i was worried that i might be accused of "trashing my ex" (someone once mentioned that some of my postings on myspace were "thinly veiled" my old boyfriend is crap and my new boyfriend is so terrific messages. thinly veiled? i am sorry i wasn't more explicit: my old boyfriend is crap and my new boyfriend is terrific ). i was worried that i might be told to "let it go", "its over" and "you have bruce now, why are you even thinking about this"? - but i expect i am finally cutting myself some slack and admitting that no matter how much i love bruce (and i am astounded at how much i do) grief and anger have their own timetable; and i sure as hell wouldn't dump this trash on bruce - that man is my hero and my soul; he really doesn't need to feel that i am still pissed at how stupid i can be.
and now some other woman, possibly real, possibly not, is about to make a very, very big mistake.
sometimes you have to look out for your sisters, even when you've never met them.
posted by AMackid at 12:02 PM
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