be fruitful and multiply

and what about children?

its a complicated, dynamic issue. there is a huge part of me that really wants to have children with this man, but a smaller, more selfish but insistent part of me that is set enough in my ways to not want my life disrupted by kids.

for myself, i am torn.

i think bruce too, is too set in his ways to welcome the kind of upheaval being a full-time father would entail. i understand that completely - and truly believe that if we do decide to have kids it would have to be for the RIGHT reasons.

all i can think of, though, are the wrong ones:

1) josh being an only child: i can't help feeling bad for the kid. he was brought into the world under circumstances that were not only less than ideal, but stood no chance of improving. i worry what will happen when he finally realizes that in a few years; and what's more concerning is how he will handle it without a sibling that can share his relationship to at least one parent.

2) envy: i guess that there is something in me that wants to be tied to bruce the same way mandy is. i too, want that bond, in a way i've never wanted it with anyone - and that is a very bad reason to have a baby.

3) the desire to have a spiritual, christian family of my own - to understand that raising people to love and serve the Lord is about more than what bruce and i want; about more than the stress and inconvenience of raising little people.

but then there are reasons for not having kids:

1) the odds that something might go wrong medically. i realize, though, that that is a very very bad reason not to have children, but likely one that most, if not all, parents face.

2) selfishness: both bruce and i enjoy our time together, our ministry together and are looking forward to an intense, loving and at times, spontaneous relationship. children would obviate that.

its a tough question all around. i suppose as long as the dialog continues, that's all that really matters......