apassionata
sometimes i feel as though i spend my life apologizing for my emotions. i had rather hoped that as i aged i might settle down, but i find that i am every bit as passionate and emotionally.... erm.... "vibrant" as ever.
in a way, this is a good thing. bruce will never want for love, passion, and desire in his life; he will always know how i feel about him and will never feel as though he needs to "guess how i'm feeling"
on the other hand, sometimes when i am sick or under stress, that passion can be hard to control. last night i went to pieces remembering the day i truly came to faith in God. now, i cannot imagine anything more intense, devastating and seismic than the moment you discover that not only is God very, VERY real - but that He knows who you are and loves you anyway (as i mentioned to bruce, st. augustine spent a lifetime writing about that same experience, also trying to figure out "what the hell hit him"); but there was no way to control or mitigate the intensity of the emotion. it just came pouring out in a flood - and why not? in all the time i've been a christian i've avoided taking a long hard look at the experience.
i am so grateful to bruce for creating a space where that kind of emotional release is tolerated; a "safe" space where even the most intense emotions can be expressed; where deep, wild emotions are not counted against you as some sort of psychosis but rather accepted because it is understood that there will be moments that will make that exact level of passion and intensity a blessing, rather than a challenge.
i know bruce "gets it". he knows that he will have to have safety equipment installed in the bedroom for this exact reason, and that he'll likely need supplementary insurance; bruce knows that only someone with advanced catatonia could fail to see how i feel about him; bruce knows that passion is a complicated blessing.
yet i still struggle with it. on the one hand, i need to simply start accepting these facets of my nature as "it is what it is: this is the way God made me, because for some reason He wanted me to function this way", on the other hand, i am just british enough to find those gross displays of emotion somehow..... gauche.
well, i expect there are facets to each of us we aren't terribly keen on. but i think on a seminal level i wouldn't change this part of my nature: i love being passionate about God, i love being passionate about bruce. and if it leaks out at odd moments, well, it could be worse, i suppose.
in a way, this is a good thing. bruce will never want for love, passion, and desire in his life; he will always know how i feel about him and will never feel as though he needs to "guess how i'm feeling"
on the other hand, sometimes when i am sick or under stress, that passion can be hard to control. last night i went to pieces remembering the day i truly came to faith in God. now, i cannot imagine anything more intense, devastating and seismic than the moment you discover that not only is God very, VERY real - but that He knows who you are and loves you anyway (as i mentioned to bruce, st. augustine spent a lifetime writing about that same experience, also trying to figure out "what the hell hit him"); but there was no way to control or mitigate the intensity of the emotion. it just came pouring out in a flood - and why not? in all the time i've been a christian i've avoided taking a long hard look at the experience.
i am so grateful to bruce for creating a space where that kind of emotional release is tolerated; a "safe" space where even the most intense emotions can be expressed; where deep, wild emotions are not counted against you as some sort of psychosis but rather accepted because it is understood that there will be moments that will make that exact level of passion and intensity a blessing, rather than a challenge.
i know bruce "gets it". he knows that he will have to have safety equipment installed in the bedroom for this exact reason, and that he'll likely need supplementary insurance; bruce knows that only someone with advanced catatonia could fail to see how i feel about him; bruce knows that passion is a complicated blessing.
yet i still struggle with it. on the one hand, i need to simply start accepting these facets of my nature as "it is what it is: this is the way God made me, because for some reason He wanted me to function this way", on the other hand, i am just british enough to find those gross displays of emotion somehow..... gauche.
well, i expect there are facets to each of us we aren't terribly keen on. but i think on a seminal level i wouldn't change this part of my nature: i love being passionate about God, i love being passionate about bruce. and if it leaks out at odd moments, well, it could be worse, i suppose.
posted by AMackid at 8:54 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home