interesting....

he asked me an interesting question today: how would i feel if we bumped into aj? bruce may be right when he says that its unlikely we've seen the back end of him.

its a good question, and for all my working out that residual pain and anger here, its one i hadn't actually given any thought to.

i suppose the answer is: not much. this private forum for me to work out my angst and embarrassment has been very healing, very therapeutic. oh i know there is a risk that one day aj will come back snooping and discover this, then begin his usual whiny "oh annie grow up you just can't resist blah beddy blah blah" which is deleted easily enough because frankly, i no longer give a damn what he thinks. i cannot believe i ever did.

but back to the question: how would i feel if we bumped into aj?

i know that first and foremost, after all his lying, i wouldn't believe the time of day out of him.

and i also remember once him telling me that "his wife treated him like furniture". that thought would be uppermost in my mind because the more i learned of him, the more i realized what a survival mechanism that would have been for marion. i too, could probably cope by simply ignoring him and hoping he'd go away.

and i remember him once telling me that he and i together would "be a disaster". he was right. i'd have been bored silly with him in six months, sexually within a matter of days, and that's something i know would likely be a big part of my feelings: the sense that if he was even remotely pleasant i might succumb to the hope that he wasn't as mean and dull i discovered him to be.

but how would i really feel? bloody proud of bruce is how, right off the top of my head - although i would feel that way no matter who we met up with. i would be deeply humbled and (as always) thankful that despite everything that's happened, God still chose to bless me with a man that isn't simply everything i've ever dreamed of, but more than i'd ever hoped for.

bruce has made me a better person; or rather, he has created a space where i can remember who i really am. oddly enough, he says i do the same for him, although (even though i know what a scorpio is capable of) i can't imagine him being anything but kind, gentle, loving, supportive, courageous, clever, delicious, charming, sensuous, introspective and intense - all the things aj isn't, in other words.

i am constantly touched and floored by the love, care and effort bruce puts into our relationship: the long conversations we have about whether or not i will be happy in samford or whether we should move; about how josh will feel and what will happen to our family years down the road; about children, and aging parents; when he talks about trying to figure out where our spiritual home will be - be it bridgeman, the grove or an anglican church... he is my partner and best friend, my rock and the most gorgeous wonderful man i have ever known.

the reality of this relationship stands in stark contrast to the vacuous fantasy of the last one: this one is challenging, sometimes scary, sometimes painfully melancholy as how much we really miss one another hits home; as the reality of the courage needed to face months apart while falling ever more deeply in love pushes us to our limits; as the sweet ache of loving another person's heart, mind and soul and being unable to express that love physically starts to cut - but learning the related joy of pushing that love language into the realm music, laughter and poetry teaches us whole new levels of joy and delight in one another...

aj was merely looking for a woman to satisfy his needs. bruce - like me - was looking for someone to share in an already stable, happy, interesting life. this, i think, is why we are willing to make the sacrifices necessary, to support one another when things get challenging, to share in the upheaval that making both our dreams come true will require. this is why we have no need to rip and tear at each other: he doesn't want me to be anything but me, and the only thing i want to change about him, as i have told him repeatedly, is his proximity.

the challenges and the joys we have faced have given this relationship a depth and a texure, a richness and a solidity that was impossible within the confines of the convenient, vacuous relationship aj was looking for.... he'd never have survived a relationship this intense, this rich and this passionate.

so what then, of the original question? how would i feel if we bumped into aj? i guess i'd feel sad for him - anyone that actually champions a desire to be average, mediocre and dull is someone that's given up on the joys and challenges life has to offer. its someone who feasts on white bread and mayonnaise while jalapenos, cheesecake and glenfiddich hover just out of reach. its someone that has completely given up on the real excitement in life, channeling its leftovers into the thrill of a motorbike ride through the country; someone who's own family doesn't really want him around.

it one more reason that i am thrilled to be with bruce, of course.