*sigh*
i had that dream again, the one i've been having for years. the one i have been taking as a message from the Lord to give up any hope of ever having children, and its finally pressed me so hard that i have to write it out or else it might erupt this weekend, and i'll end up dumping it on him, and that's not fair to him. as far as he is concerned, the subject is closed, but i realize that i have not yet come to terms with it, and need to find a way to, for the sake of my sanity and my marriage.
so many contradictions. he says he doesn't want to be a father, and yet he is a committed, loving, devoted and involved father to his son. dave and allan truly don't want to be fathers: dave hasn't seen his twins since they moved to florida three years ago, and dave sees samuel twice a year. that to me, is not wanting to be a father.
bruce definately wants to be a father. he won't even consider moving out of the neighbourhood until josh is old enough. the point is that bruce doesn't want to be a father with me.
that is something i have to adjust to; that and the fact that josh will always be a reminder of that. he is a good kid, and certainly doesn't deserve the hand he was dealt, and the situation is certainly not his fault. if anything, HE deserves the extra effort that everyone, including me, can possibly put into him.
and yet he is a living reminder that i will be helping raise bruce and mandi's child, not my own. that i will have no say in his life, in his upbringing; that i will always have to watch bruce be a devoted, loving, caring, committed father to someone else's kid. that if circumstances change and we have some sort of brilliant opportunity outside of brisbane was won't be able to take it because bruce is so deeply committed to being the father to some other woman's baby.
there are days i wish were selfish enough to demand the same thing of him that mandi did. but i love him too much, and i love our relationship too much. mandi's price for josh was losing bruce as a husband; for me, that is too high a price to pay for anyone. i wouldn't trade bruce's happiness for anything in the world. and yet i know he is happy being a father - you can't hide that - and i also know that he finds it draining because so far, he's had to do it all on his own, and that is something no-one is cut out for. so he's decided that we will raise his kid, and that there will never be an our kid.
now, no-one held a gun to my head and forced me to marry him. granted, finding out on the eve of our wedding that there would be no further discussion was a bit of a shock, and even as i think back on other responses i could have made, i will stick with the one i did: as i told him, that was the deal in marrying him. i knew it, i chose it, and i will never go back on it. the issue for me is coping with it, adjusting to it. it was a decision i made of my own free will, and yet it is, i think, the most difficult one i have ever made.
i need to find some way of dealing with this that. i know having a tubal ligation is not the answer. this is bruce's decision, not mine, so the guarantee of infertility should be his responsibility, i think.
but this issue lies 100% with me. I need to deal with the choices i've made. I need to sort out this tangled jumble of feelings inside of me. I need to get my head around the fact that while NOT having children isn't a deal breaker, it will likely always be a sore point. yet bruce's rights and feelings come first: he married a woman that in good faith agreed that she would help raise his child, not her own. he has every right to expect that this not be an issue between us, and that's fair.
i only wish he were a shitty father, and one who appeared to resent that role as much as he claims to.
but its not his responsibility to make it easier for me.
its mine.
i feel the need to pray muchly...
so many contradictions. he says he doesn't want to be a father, and yet he is a committed, loving, devoted and involved father to his son. dave and allan truly don't want to be fathers: dave hasn't seen his twins since they moved to florida three years ago, and dave sees samuel twice a year. that to me, is not wanting to be a father.
bruce definately wants to be a father. he won't even consider moving out of the neighbourhood until josh is old enough. the point is that bruce doesn't want to be a father with me.
that is something i have to adjust to; that and the fact that josh will always be a reminder of that. he is a good kid, and certainly doesn't deserve the hand he was dealt, and the situation is certainly not his fault. if anything, HE deserves the extra effort that everyone, including me, can possibly put into him.
and yet he is a living reminder that i will be helping raise bruce and mandi's child, not my own. that i will have no say in his life, in his upbringing; that i will always have to watch bruce be a devoted, loving, caring, committed father to someone else's kid. that if circumstances change and we have some sort of brilliant opportunity outside of brisbane was won't be able to take it because bruce is so deeply committed to being the father to some other woman's baby.
there are days i wish were selfish enough to demand the same thing of him that mandi did. but i love him too much, and i love our relationship too much. mandi's price for josh was losing bruce as a husband; for me, that is too high a price to pay for anyone. i wouldn't trade bruce's happiness for anything in the world. and yet i know he is happy being a father - you can't hide that - and i also know that he finds it draining because so far, he's had to do it all on his own, and that is something no-one is cut out for. so he's decided that we will raise his kid, and that there will never be an our kid.
now, no-one held a gun to my head and forced me to marry him. granted, finding out on the eve of our wedding that there would be no further discussion was a bit of a shock, and even as i think back on other responses i could have made, i will stick with the one i did: as i told him, that was the deal in marrying him. i knew it, i chose it, and i will never go back on it. the issue for me is coping with it, adjusting to it. it was a decision i made of my own free will, and yet it is, i think, the most difficult one i have ever made.
i need to find some way of dealing with this that. i know having a tubal ligation is not the answer. this is bruce's decision, not mine, so the guarantee of infertility should be his responsibility, i think.
but this issue lies 100% with me. I need to deal with the choices i've made. I need to sort out this tangled jumble of feelings inside of me. I need to get my head around the fact that while NOT having children isn't a deal breaker, it will likely always be a sore point. yet bruce's rights and feelings come first: he married a woman that in good faith agreed that she would help raise his child, not her own. he has every right to expect that this not be an issue between us, and that's fair.
i only wish he were a shitty father, and one who appeared to resent that role as much as he claims to.
but its not his responsibility to make it easier for me.
its mine.
i feel the need to pray muchly...
posted by AMackid at 12:31 AM
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